How Dating a Narcissist Brought Me Closer to God

Only those of us who have survived a relationship with a narcissist or someone with a cluster B personality disorder truly understand the depth of the pain and trauma experienced within that dynamic.

When you try to explain it to those who haven’t experienced it, they often say things like:

“Well, just leave him then,” or

“I don’t understand why you’re still with him,” or worse,

“It doesn’t sound that bad — I think you’re being dramatic.” 

But that is the true horror of a narcissistic relationship dynamic: it is covert, insidious, and almost invisible to the inexperienced, innocent bystander.

The True Nature of Narcissistic Abuse

Survivors know: this is hell on earth. It’s cold. It’s calculated. It’s designed to destroy —

• Your identity

• Your sense of self

• Your grasp on reality

You live in a fog of confusion. Your intuition screams, and in the early hours of the morning, it is impossible to silence that inner voice. But you can’t prove intuition. And the narcissist knows this. So they gaslight you, blame you, call you crazy — and soon, you believe it too.

“Only crazy people hear things, right?”

It’s relentless. It’s terrifying. And you don’t even realise how bad it was until you’re finally out.

The Aftermath of Dating a Narcissist: Free Falling

Once the fog lifts, you realise your entire reality was a lie.

You start free falling — crashing through what you thought were foundations, only to discover there’s no ground beneath you.

And when you land? It’s not soft.

• Sleepless nights

• Brutal realisations

• Looping thoughts

• Rumination

• Memories that turn against you

And amidst it all, the narcissist tries to reel you back in with love bombing, guilt, shame, promises.

So How Did I Find God in All This?

Simple: because the Divine saved me.

I journal semi-regularly, and for the entire 16 months I was with him, my entries were one long persistent prayer (well more like begging in all honesty) for the truth:

“Let me see the truth.” “Why doesn’t anything make sense?” “Release me from this trauma — if it’s mine to release.”

And those prayers were answered. Not gently — but clearly, unmistakably.

When you’ve looked evil in the eye and escaped, when you've been drowning in a sea of lies and illusion... when you’ve returned from the void to the land of the living... you know one thing for sure: you didn’t do it alone.

You were carried. Held. Covered.

A Spiritual Sickness

I believe narcissism is a spiritual sickness — a rupture so deep in the soul it severs a person from the light.

They become a husk — surviving on control, illusion, and manipulation.

Think Voldemort splitting his soul into horcruxes — each act of harm pulling them further from humanity.

As a woman of science, I found God through science — as the explanation for what science could not yet explain. Newton’s Third Law: every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

So if there is this kind of darkness... there must be just as much light.

And I clung to that light — even when I didn’t feel worthy. Even when I didn’t know what I believed.

“You are not alone. This is not the end. Come back to the light.”

A Love That Wasn’t Transactional

There were nights I cried into silence. And yet, something began to shift.

A stillness. A grace. A love that wasn’t conditional. It just was — steady, eternal.

At first, I slipped — back into the trauma bond, the love bombing. But slowly, I surrendered.

Not to him.

To God. To the Divine. To the Universe. Whatever name fits.

The final time — when the infidelity, the violence, the devaluation were too visceral to ignore — I surrendered fully.

From Fire to Alchemy

It was agony at first — withdrawing from the drama, the cortisol, the illusion of love.

But it does get better.

Answers came — some welcome, others painful. But I began to see: he was my mirror.

The parts of me I had neglected, he fed off. So I healed those parts — through therapy, faith, rituals, and compassion.

I broke the trauma bond. I ended the (15-year) soul contract.

And I decided: true love begins with me.

Real Healing Begins

I stopped praying for him to change.

I started praying for myself. I asked for:

• Clarity

• Strength

• Freedom

• Peace

And the fog began to lift and gave way to light.

I found God not in a church pew or a healing circle — but in:

• The breath I took without fear

• The sunrise I finally noticed

• The mirror I could face again

• The fire that once burned me, but then transformed me

Because the fire doesn’t destroy — not when you have faith. It transforms.

What Remained?

I didn’t find God because of the trauma. I found God because the trauma forced me to let go of everything else.

And what remained — beneath all the grief, fear, and illusions — was God. Was truth. Was me.

If You’re Crawling Out of That Same Pit…

Know this:

The climb is real, and so is the grace that waits for you.

You are not broken. You are being reborn. And that rebirth is holy.

With love to every soul who’s walked through the fire and come out glowing.

Aimee xx